You love your husband, but he just clams up when it’s time to talk about a problem in your marriage? Join the queue! If you’re wondering why and what you can do, or if there’s any hope for you yet? The first step is to identify the reasons why he won’t address the issues. The next step is to find a solution to the issue before trying to resolve any lingering disagreements.
Reasons your husband might not talk to you
Stay with me, I have all the answers you need. Here are some of the most common reasons behind that behavior in marriage.
1. He doesn’t trust you. Trust is one of the pillars of a successful marriage. It can be lost in several ways. If you’ve not been transparent about a previous issue, he might not trust you to be open enough with this one. Or, if for some reason you disclosed family issues to someone else, he might as well be unwilling to open up about how he feels, in case you will do it again.
2. He doesn’t feel supported. The outcome of previous resolutions might make him feel that you don’t support him or his ideas. If the advice was not heeded or something was not changed, it might make him feel like he or his contribution has been disrespected. That way, he sees no reason to add anything to new issues.
3. He’s protecting himself and trying to avoid conflict. Sometimes people who grow up in abusive homes or with parents who always quarrel try as much as they can to prevent the same in their homes. They might do it the wrong way by giving half-hearted answers or evading conversations they think will lead to a quarrel.
4. Poor communication skills. If he realizes that you nag, shout, or cry to get your way or that you raise your voice at him during conflict resolution, it might push him to shut down. Because you’re not willing to hear his side of things, there’s no real reason to even disclose it. He avoids such conversations as much as possible.
5. He’s afraid of being the wrong one. Let’s be clear, you had hurt his feelings before when he was wrong about something. You rubbed it in his face and made him feel like anything he said would be wrong. Sometimes, it might be that he is just thinking about the correct answer that will elicit a good response and be right in case he makes a mistake again.
6. He just wants to punish you. If you married a vindictive man, he might be trying to prove a point to you. Read his body language and responses to determine what might be wrong or think about when the issue started and what might have happened. That way, you can address the root issue before the new problem.
7. Chances are, you married a passive-aggressive man. Using your words to trap you and insisting there is no problem when there’s clearly one, he makes you drop the conversation with thinly veiled threats.
8. He’s just not interested any longer. A communication breakdown is usually one of the first signs of a cheating spouse. When one spouse becomes unwilling to resolve problems and let them build up, it is just their way of creating a distance so they feel better about what they are doing in secret.
All hope is not lost
Sometimes an overhaul is needed in your communication patterns. You need to examine yourself and try to figure out what your husband responds to. Ask yourself questions like the following:
Do I use trigger words? Using sentences starting with “you” makes people feel like they are being blamed for the issue. Sentences beginning with “I” are less aggressive and tell your listener that you do not blame them for anything.
Do I know how he prefers to communicate? If you are going to be married for the rest of your life, you might as well learn the things that make you both communicate better. Some men don’t want a solemn mood created when issues are to be discussed. This makes them close up instantly. Instead, take him out and chip it in as a thought. “I feel like this is better. What do you think?” that way, he doesn’t feel like he’s a naughty child being given a stern talk.
Am I presenting this problem wrongly? When passing a message, the non-verbal cues are even more important than the words you use. Experts propose using the 7-38-55 rule, which states that 7 percent of meaning is communicated through the words you speak, 38 percent through the tone of your voice, and 55 percent through your body language. If you analyze the problem and feel like you are under lots of tension when bringing it up, it would be wise to pause it until you can present it more calmly.
How can I be sure I am passing the right message? Always ask for feedback. To be sure, you both should always say, ” If I heard you correctly,…?” That way, everyone feels heard, and resolution can be reached faster.
Have I tampered with his self-esteem? He might live with you every day, but he certainly values your opinions of him. In fact, he might rate it more than anyone else’s opinions. Because of this, you should be careful how you speak to and about him. Everyone needs a cheerleader, and you can be his.
How can I improve our relationship? If you have recognized the need for improvement, the next step is to ask your spouse what ways he might want you to change or improve. Then get him to ask you the same questions and answer honestly. Your relationship is bound to improve if you both begin to implement these suggestions.
Unfortunately, problems do not disappear in marriage. They just have to be addressed. And if your spouse is not in the same boat as you, this can be a big challenge. A communication breakdown in your marriage can quickly lead to a problem in your marriage and even divorce. However, it doesn’t have to.
If the mistake is on your part, it will help to acknowledge and resolve it, but if it is beyond you, you both might need to talk to someone who can bring you back to the same level.
